Most Leaders Don't Even Know the Game They're In

 

so I'm embarrassed that I have a career

I talk about things like trust and

cooperation and there should be no

demand for my work but the fact of the

matter is is there is demand for my work

which means that there's an opportunity

it means that trust and cooperation are

not yet standard in our organizations

and yet they should be and we know that

which is why we're looking for ways to

bring those things to our organizations

so I thought I would do something a

little different today you know when

you're speaking to tens of thousands of

people and you have the opportunity to

share a message of course most rational

people would say let's go with something

I've talked about lots of times and I'm

really good at but I'm not normal so I'm

gonna do something completely new and I

hope this works out there are two things

that I think that great leaders need to

have empathy and perspective and I think

these things are very often forgotten

leaders are so often so concerned about

their status of their position in

organization they actually forget their

real job and the real job of a leader is

not about being in charge it's about

taking care of those in our charge and I

don't think people realize this and I

don't think people train for this when

we're junior our only responsibility is

to be good at our jobs that's all we

really have to do and some people

actually go get advanced education and

so that they can be really good at their

jobs accountants or whatever right and

you show up and you work hard and the

company will give us tons and tons of

training how to do our jobs they'll show

us how to use the software they'll send

us away for a few days to get trained in

whatever it is that we're doing for the

company and then they expect us to go be

good at our jobs and that's what we do

we work very hard and if you're good at

your job they'll promote you and at some

point you'll get promoted to position

where we're now responsible for the

people who do the job we used to do but

nobody shows us how to do that and

that's why we get managers and not

leaders because the reason our managers

micromanaging us is because they

actually do know how to do the job

better than us that's what got them

promoted really what we have to do is go

through a transition some people make it

quickly some people make it slowly and

unfortunately some people will never

make that transition at all which is we

have to go this through this transition

of being responsible for the job and

then turning it to somebody who's now

responsible for the people who are

responsible for the job and as I said

before one of the great things that is

lacking in most of our companies is that

they are not teaching us how to lead and

leadership is a skill like any other is

a practice' balloon able skill and it is

something that you work on it's like a

muscle if you practice it all the days

you will get good at it and you will get

become a strong leader if you stop

practicing you will become a weak leader

like parenting everyone has the capacity

to be a parent doesn't mean everybody

wants to be a parent and doesn't mean

everybody shouldn't be a parent

leadership is the same we all have the

capacity to be a leader doesn't mean

everybody should be a leader and it

doesn't mean everybody wants to be a

leader and the reason is because it

comes at great personal sacrifice

remember you're not in charge you're

responsible for those in your charge

that means things like when everything

goes right you have to give away all the

credit and when everything goes wrong

you have to take all the responsibility

that sucks right it's things like

staying late to show somebody what to do

it's things like when something does

actually break when something goes wrong

instead of yelling and screaming and

taking over you say try again when the

overwhelming pressures are not on them

the overwhelming pressures are on us at

the end of the day great leaders are not

responsible for the job they're

responsible for the people who are

responsible for the job they're not even

responsible for the results I love

talking to CEOs and say what's your

priority and they put their hands on

their hips all proud and say my priority

is my customer I'm like really you even

talk to a customer in 15 years

there's no CEO on the planet responsible

for the customer they're just not

they're responsible for the people who

responsible for the people who

responsible for the customer I'll tell

you a true story a few months ago I

stayed at the Four Seasons in Las Vegas

it is a wonderful hotel and the reason

it's a wonderful hotel is not because of

the fancy beds any hotel can go and buy

a fancy bed

the reason it's a wonderful hotel is

because of the people who work there

if you walk past somebody at the Four

Seasons and this and they say hello to

you you get the feeling that they

actually wanted to say hello to you it's

not that somebody told them that you

have to say hello to all the customers

say hello to all the guests right you

actually feel that they care now in

their Lobby they have a coffee stand and

I one afternoon I went to buy a cup of

coffee and there was a barista by the

name of Noah who was serving me Noah was

fantastic he was friendly and fun and he

was engaging with me and I had so much

fun buying a cup of coffee I actually

think I gave 100 percent tip right he

was wonderful so as is my nature I asked

Noah do you like your job and without

skipping a beat Noah says I love my job

and so I followed up I said what is it

that the four seasons is doing that

would make you say to me I love my job

and without skipping a beat Noah said

throughout the day managers will walk

past me and ask me how I'm doing if

there's anything that I need to do my

job better

he said not just my manager any manager

and then he said something magical he

says I also work at Caesars Palace and

Caesars at Caesar's Palace the managers

are trying to make sure we're doing

everything right they catch us when we

do things wrong he says when I go to

work there I like to keep my head under

the radar and just get through the day

so I can get my paycheck he says here at

the Four Seasons I feel I can be myself

same person entirely different

experience from the from the customer

who will engage with Noah so we in

leadership are always criticizing the

people we're always saying we've got to

get the right people on

buzz I've got to fill my wrong my team I

gotta get the right people but the

reality is it's not the people it's the

leadership if we create the right

environment we will get people like Noah

at the four seasons if we create the

wrong environment we will get people

like Noah at Caesar's Palace it's not

the people and yet we're so quick to

hire and fire you can't hire and fire

your children if there's if your kids

are struggling we don't say you got to

see at school you're up for adoption so

why is it that when somebody has

performance problems at work why is it

that our instinct is to say you're out

we do not practice empathy

what does empathy look like here's the

lack of empathy this is normal in our

business world you walk into someone's

office someone walks into our office and

says your numbers have been down for the

third quarter in a row you have to pick

up your numbers otherwise I can't

guarantee what the future will look like

how inspired you think that person is to

come to work the next day here's what

empathy looks like you walk into

someone's office someone walks into your

office and says your numbers are down

for the third quarter in a row are you

okay I'm worried about you what's going

on

we all have performance issues maybe

someone's kid is sick maybe they're

having problems in their marriage maybe

one of their parents is dying we don't

know what's going on in their lives and

of course it will affect performance at

work empathy is being concerned about

the human being not just their output

and we have to practice empathy and one

of the groups that we are pretty bad at

practicing empathy with is our young

Millennials so let me show you what

empathy looks like listening to

understand trying to understand

someone's point of view and disposition

and a hundred percent of the talks that

I give her the meetings that I have

invariably someone will raise their hand

and ask about the Millennial problem

apparently this young generation is

unbeatable apparently they have

confounded every single company in every

single industry and so now it's at the

point where companies have given up and

are now just asked

Millennials what do you want and so they

say we want free food and bean bags and

so now every company has free food and

bean bags and guess what nothing has

changed so what I thought we would do

what I thought I would do is show you

what empathy looks like how do we

practice empathy with someone we don't

understand how do we practice empathy

with an organization or a group that

we're struggling with right so we have

to understand that it breaks down to

four things I've broken it down into

parenting technology impatience and

environment let's talk about parenting

first too many Millennials have grown up

subject to what has been described as a

failed parenting strategy too many of

them were told as they were growing up

that they were special that they can

have whatever they want just because

they want it they got medals for coming

in last they got participation medals

right and the science and this is

already good we know that it devalues

the feeling that somebody who works hard

and comes in first place and it actually

makes the person who comes in last

embarrassed because they know they don't

deserve it so it actually makes them

feel worse it actually doesn't help

there are a lot of kids who got into

honors classes not because they deserved

it but because their parents complained

and they got A's nothing because they

earned them but because the teachers

didn't want to deal with the parents

right then those kids graduate no Goodis

and they start a job and in an instant

they find out that they're not special

that you don't get anything just because

you want it you get nothing for coming

in last

and your parents cannot help you get a

promotion and in an instant their entire

self-image is completely shattered in an

instance the way they view themselves

has completely changed turned on its

head

and so what you find is that there's an

entire generation growing up with lower

self-esteem than previous generations

remember they have grown up in an

Instagram Facebook snapchat world in

which they are very very good at putting

filters on everything they're very very

good at

curating how they want to be seen and we

think they're full of confidence they

seem to have all the answers they seem

to be telling us what to do at the end

of the day it's just not there it's just

not true it's just not true their

confidence is a lot weaker than before

they don't know where they're coming

from they don't know where they're going

they're unsure of themselves and they

lack the courage to ask we say things

like my door is always open

assume assuming that they have the

courage to walk through the door number

one then we add in technology there's a

chemical in our body called dopamine

dopamine is responsible for the feelings

we get when we find something we're

looking for or we accomplish something

we set out to accomplish you know that

great feeling you get when you cross

something off your to-do list when you

win the game

when you hit the target right when the

client get the promotion whatever it is

that elation find your keys that elation

comes from a chemical in our body called

dopamine right now other substances

other things that release dopamine

include alcohol nicotine gambling they

go that's what makes us feel good when

we engage with those things and it's the

root of a lot of addiction in fact

almost every alcoholic on the planet

discovered alcohol when they were

teenagers

you see when we're very very young the

only approval we need is approval from

our parents and then as we go through

adolescence we now crave the approval of

our peers very frustrating for our

parents very important for us it allows

us to acculturate outside of our

immediate families into the larger tribe

very very important right it's a time of

high stress and high anxiety and we're

supposed to learn to rely on our friends

some people quite by accident discover

alcohol and the numbing effects of

dopamine to help them cope with the

stress and that becomes hardwired and

then for the rest of their lives when

they suffer some kind of extreme stress

they don't turn to a person they turn to

the bottle right now we also know that

dopamine is released with cell phones

and social media so that Bing bass but

flashing beep that we get from our

phones that feels so good it releases

dopamine we like getting it yes we all

hate all the emails but we love the Bing

right we've all been in this position

you know you're feeling a little bit

down you're feeling a little bit sorry

maybe feeling a little bit sad so what

do we do we send out ten texts to ten

friends hi hi hi hi hi and we hope that

they write back because it feels good

right so now we have a young generation

with basically unfettered access to

social media and cell phones we have age

restrictions on alcohol we have age

restrictions on smoking and we have age

restrictions on gambling

we have no age restrictions on this

other dopamine producing device called

social media or cell phones it's the

equivalent of throwing open the liquor

cabinet and telling our young

adolescents I know this is a stressful

time try the vodka it'll get you through

these hard times that's basically what

we're doing and so what's happening is

huh it's becoming hardwired where our

young generation isn't learning the

coping skills and coping mechanisms to

turn to another human being when they're

struggling or stressed they're turning

to social media or their cell phones

their self-worth sometimes becomes

wrapped up and how many likes they get

they obsessively check how many likes

somebody likes how many likes and

actually will get depressed if they

don't get any you see them going out

with their friends and instead of

connecting with their friends they will

simply sit and talk on the phone let me

show you something that's really

powerful can I borrow your phone please

there's one right there in between you

just let me borrow that for a sec I'm

asking you to give me somebody else's

phone you don't have to turn it on I

just need it thank you so let me show

you the subconscious power of this

device what if I were to hold my phone

while I'm giving this presentation I'm

not checking it it's not buzzing it's

not beeping I'm simply holding it do you

feel like you're the most important

thing to me right now no you do not and

this is an artificial environment now

think about how often this phone is out

while we're talking to other people hey

boss can I talk to you sure what's on

your mind as opposed to sure what's on

your mind

we go out for dinner or lunch with our

family and our friends we have meetings

and we put the phone on the table which

sends a subconscious message to

everybody else in the room that this is

not that important to me you're not that

important to me and by the way putting

your phone upside down is not more

polite this is this is my favorite one

where the phone rings in the middle of

dinner in the middle of a lunch in the

middle of a meeting and somebody goes

I'm not gonna answer it

oh my god is so magnanimous right thank

you

right put it away keep it away because

what it does is it actually hurts our

ability to relate to each other now you

look at young kids these days they're on

them all the time I don't blame them it

is addiction we yell and scream at them

but we like yelling and screaming and an

alcoholic it doesn't help the fact that

it's a chemical addiction right so you

take an insecure generation that now

through no fault of their own struggles

to cope with stress they don't know how

to cope with and deal with stress and as

they have told me many of them will

admit that they struggle to form deep

meaningful relationships they will admit

that many of their friendships are

superficial right that their friends

they know would cancel on them if they

get a better plan that they wouldn't

really know who to talk to if they get

depressed and maybe they'll turn to an

online support group which is not a real

thing it's not human right and we've

seen the impact of this we're starting

to see rises of depression in this

generation we're starting to see rise of

suicide in this generation we're

starting to see a rise of accidental

death due to drug overdose from this

generation universities are currently

dealing with an epidemic that they've

never dealt with before which is the

number of kids requesting leaves of

absence due to depression right now

those are all extreme examples the less

extreme and more likely example is that

someone will go through life just never

really finding joy or fulfillment and

everything's just fine how's your job

that's fine how are your friends you

know there

fine but no joint because you just

cannot because joy fulfillment comes

from this it comes from human

interaction we are social animals and we

need it and we have to learn to rely on

our friends and that skill is

desperately lacking so you add in the

next one impatience this generation is

often accused of being entitled and if

you've worked with any of them before

sure seems that way

but I would argue that we're miss

reading the tea leaves they're not

entitled they're impatient again let's

practice empathy how did they grow up

they grew up in a world of instant

gratification you want to buy something

you go in Amazon it shows up the next

day you want to watch a movie you don't

check movie times you just log on and

download it whenever you want to watch

it stream it right you want to watch a

TV show you don't wait week to week to

week just finish watch for the weekend

in fact if you want to get hold of

somebody you don't leave a message on

their machine and wait for hours for

them to get the message and call you

back you just text them and they'll call

you they'll get back to literally

instantaneously heck if you want to go

on a date you don't even have to be like

hey you just swipe right you got a date

never learn the skill set of like what

are you doing right you can have four

dates in the night in other words

everything comes instantaneously they

have falsely applied the instant

gratification model to life fulfillment

and career fulfillment they wanted all

instantaneously

the problem is life relationships career

are not destinations like look I found

the job I love that's not how it works

it's not it's not a scavenger hunt I'm

looking for the job that will no it

doesn't work that way it's a journey

it's a it's a cut like it's the same

with love it's like I found love no you

did you work hard every single day to

stay in love it's a journey

it's as if they're standing at the foot

of a mountain they know exactly what

they want they can see the summit what

they don't see is the mountain I talked

to some recent college grads who are in

their their entry-level jobs on a

regular basis and I'll ask them things

like how's it going and they'll say

yeah I think I'm gonna quit I'm like why

they're like I'm not making an impact

I'm like you know you've been here eight

months right and this is the problem

they see it as destination I'm not

making an impact I hear it all the time

but they don't even know what that means

impact yes we all want to make an impact

what kind of impact what you want to do

when how do you want to contribute to

the world is what vision is this is what

Y is it's become generic and abstract

but the problem is is they're wafting

around they're looking for the the right

they'll go from job to job to job hoping

that the next one sticks they go from

relationship to relationship hoping that

the next one is the love what that I've

been looking for they don't know how to

ask for help and their makes them feel

even worse because they can't find the

thing that they're looking for maybe

it's me so if an insecure generation

that doesn't have coping mechanisms that

wants everything resolved and resolved

now I haven't thought let me just send a

text as opposed to let me wait an hour

when I'm done with lunch with you and

then I'll send my text for example and

then we get to the fourth and most

egregious of the four observations

environment we're now taking this

wonderful smart idealistic ambitious

hard-working good group of people that

were dealt a bad hand and we're putting

them in corporate environments that do

not care about them as human beings

right we have for some reason our work

world has changed in the past twenty and

thirty years we are suffering the side

effect of business theories left over

from the 80s and 90s and they are bad

for people and they are bad for business

let me give you an example the concept

of shareholder supremacy was a theory

proposed in the late 1970s and it was

popularized in the 80s and 90s it is now

standard form today you talk to any

public company and you ask them their

priority and they say maximize

shareholder value really that's like a

coach prioritizing the needs of the fans

over the needs of the players how you

going to build a winning team with that

model but that's normal today we

even perceive it as broken or damaged or

wrong or outdated remember the 80s and

90s were boom years with relative peace

and a kinder gentler cold war nobody was

practicing hiding under their desks in

school anymore we are no longer in those

times these are no longer boom years

these are no longer peaceful times and

those models cannot work today here's

another one mass layoffs using someone's

livelihood to balance the books right

it's so normal in America today that we

don't even understand how broken and how

damaging it is not only to human beings

but to business you know companies talk

about how they want to build trust in

cooperation then they announce a round

of layoffs do you know the quickest way

to destroy trust and destroy cooperation

in a business literally in one day lay

people off and everyone gets scared

right can you imagine sending someone

home to say honey I can no longer

provide for our family because the

company missed its arbitrary projections

this year and forget about the people

who lost their job think about the

people who kept their jobs because every

single decision a company makes as a

piece of communication and the company

cut the company has just communicated to

everybody else this is not a meritocracy

we don't care how hard you work or how

long you've worked here if we miss our

numbers and you happen to fall on the

wrong side of the spreadsheet I'm sorry

we cannot guarantee employment in other

words we come to work every day afraid

and we're asking our youngest generation

to work in environments where how would

any of us ever stand up and admit I made

a mistake we're constantly being told

you have to be vulnerable leaders are

vulnerable what does that even mean it

doesn't mean you walk around crying I'm

vulnerable right know what vulnerability

means is you create an environment in

which someone feels safe enough to raise

their hand and said I don't know what

I'm doing

you've given me a job and I haven't been

trained to do it I need help I made a

mistake I screwed something up I'm

scared

I'm worried all of these things no one

would

ever admit inside a company because it

puts a target on your head in case

there's another round and so we keep it

to ourselves and how can a company ever

do well if nobody's ever willing to

admit they made a mistake that's scared

or they don't know what they're doing

and so we've literally created cultures

in which every single day everybody

comes to work and light hide lies hides

and fakes and we're asking our youngest

generation to work and succeed and find

themselves and build their confidence

and overcome their addiction to

technology and build strong

relationships at work we're asking to do

this and these lis environments we've

created we keep saying to them you're

the future leaders we're the leaders now

we're in control what are we doing this

is what empathy means it means if

there's an entire generation struggling

maybe it's not them it's like you know

the only thing that I that the common

factor in all my failed relationships me

same thing well we just can't get the

right act or you know the right

performance out of our people maybe it's

you right it's not a generation it's not

them they're not difficult or hard to

understand they're human beings like the

rest of us trying to find their way

trying to work in a place where they

feel that someone cares about them as a

human being by the way that's what we

all want in other words it's not even

generational it's all of us this is the

practice of empathy that if we're

struggling to communicate to someone it

was struggling to help someone be at

their natural best I'm tired of people

saying to me how do I get the best out

of my people really that's what you want

they're like a towel just wring them how

can I get the most out of them know how

do I help my people be at their natural

best right we're not asking these

questions we are not practicing empathy

we have to start by practicing empathy

and relate to what they may be going

through and it will profoundly change

the decisions we make it will profoundly

change the way we see the world

someone's driving to work you're driving

to work and someone wants to cut into

your lane what

do you pull your car up would you let

them in most of us pull our cars up and

go like this you wait your turn

now let's practice empathy I don't know

maybe they've been out of work for six

months maybe they had trouble getting

the kids out to school this morning and

now they're running late for a really

important interview and they just have

to get to this interview and they're

gonna cut into our lane or maybe they're

just a bastard I don't know but that's

the point we don't know we don't know

and the practice of empathy will say

I'll let them in and I'll arrive to work

one car lengths late right we don't

always have to be right

we'd always have to be in charge we

don't have to be the one who succeeds

it's not about winning or losing and

that's where I go to the second point

after empathy comes perspective where

it's not about winning or losing

in game theory there are two kinds of

games there are finite games and there

are infinite games and this is how

you're going to change your perspective

right a finite game is defined as known

players fixed rules and an agreed upon

objective baseball for example we know

the rules we all agree to the rules and

whoever has more runs at the end of nine

innings is the winner and the game is

over no one ever says if we can just

play two more innings I know we can come

back doesn't work that way the game is

over right that's a finite game then you

have an infinite game infinite games are

defined as known and unknown players the

rules are changeable and the objective

is to keep the game in play to

perpetuate the game when you pit a

finite player versus a finite player the

system is stable baseball is stable

right when you pit an infant an infinite

player versus an infinite player this

system is also stable like the Cold War

for example because there cannot be a

winner and a loser there are no winners

and losers in an infinite game right it

doesn't exist because there are no

winners or losers what ends up happening

the infinite contest is players drop out

when they run out of the will or the

resources to play but there's no winners

or losers problems arise when you pit a

finite player versus an infinite player

because if a finite player is playing to

win and an infinite player is to playing

to keep the game going right this is

what happened to us in Vietnam we were

playing to win and the Vietnamese were

fighting for their lives we were the

ones who got stuck in quagmire this is

the Soviet Union in Afghanistan they

were trying to beat the Mujahideen and

the Mujahideen would fight for as long

as is necessary quagmire now let's look

at business the game of business has

pre-existed or has existed long before

every single company that exists on this

planet today and it will outlast every

single company that it lives that exist

on this planet today there's no winning

the game of business and the reason is

is because we haven't agreed to the

rules I get such a kick out of this you

realize how many companies actually

don't know the game they're in right

listen to the language of the companies

use we're trying to beat our competition

we're trying to be number one did you

know that we were ranked number one look

at the listing based on what criteria

revenues profits market share square

footage number of employees based on

what time frame a quarter a year five

years ten years 20 years 50 years 100

years I haven't agreed to those

standards how can you declare yourself

the winner

how can you declare yourself number one

where no one else in the game has agreed

to the rules it's arbitrary there is no

winning because there's no end in other

words companies are playing finite games

listen to their language they're trying

to beat their competition what does that

even mean it's the leaders and the

companies that understand the game that

they're in and organize their resources

and their decision-making around the

infinite contest that outlast and

frustrate their competition all the

companies that we've referred to as the

exceptions Southwest Airlines Apple

computers harley-davidson they're the

exception no they're playing the

infinite contest they frustrate their

competition is what happens that's what

happens because they

playing to win Jim Senegal the founder

of Costco which is the company only real

company that gives Walmart a run for its

money

he says public companies are looking to

succeed for the quarter says we're

looking for the next 50 years you can

hear him

he's playing the infinite contest I

spoke at a Leadership Summit for

Microsoft I also spoke at a Leadership

Summit for Apple now at the Microsoft

summit I would say 70% of the executives

and this was under the Steve Ballmer

days I would say about 70% of the

executives spend about 70% of their

presentations talking about how to beat

Apple at the Apple Summit a hundred

percent of the executives spent a

hundred percent of their presentations

talking about how to help teachers teach

and how to help students learn one was

obsessed with their competition the

other one was obsessed with where

they're going so at the end of my

presentation at Microsoft they gave me a

gift they gave me the new Zune which was

the competitor to the iPod touch when it

was a thing right and I have to tell you

this piece of technology was spectacular

it was beautiful the user interface was

incredible the design was amazing it was

intuitive it was one of the most

beautiful elegant pieces of technology

I'd ever seen

right now they didn't work with iTunes

which is an entirely different problem I

couldn't use it

but that's something else I'm sitting in

the back of a taxi with a senior Apple

executive sort of employee number twelve

kind of guy and I decide to stir the pot

and I turned him I say you know I spoke

at a Microsoft summit and they gave me

their new Zune and I have to tell you it

is so much better than your iPod touch

and he turned to me and said I have no

doubt conversation over because the

infinite player isn't playing to be

number one every day with every product

they're playing to outlast the

competition if I had said to Microsoft

oh I've got the new iPod touch it's so

much better than your new Zune there was

a can we see it what does it do how we

have to see it because one is obsessed

with their competition the other is

obsessed with why they do what they do

the other is obsessed with where they're

going and the reason Apple frustrates

their competition is because secretly

they're not even competing against them

they're competing against themselves and

they understand that sometimes you're a

little bit ahead and sometimes you're a

little bit behind and sometimes your

product is better and sometimes you're

not but if you wake up every single

morning and compete against yourself how

do I make our products better than they

were yesterday how do I take care of our

customers better than we did yesterday

how do we advance our cause more

efficiently more productively than we

did yesterday how do we find new

solutions to advance our calling our

cause our purpose our belief are why

every single day what you'll find is

over time you will probably be ahead

more often those who play the infinite

game understand it's not about the

battle it's about the war and they don't

play to win every day and they frustrate

their competition until their

competition drops out of the game every

single bankruptcy almost every merger

and acquisition is basically a company

saying we no longer have the will or the

resources to continue to play and we

have no choice to either drop out of the

game or

or merge our resources with another

player so that we can stay in the game

that's what that is and you can think

about the number of bankruptcies and

mergers and acquisitions it's kind of

proof that most companies don't even

know the game they're in you want to be

a great leader start with empathy you

want to be a great leader change your

perspective and play the game you're

actually playing thank you very much